be still

About this time last year, I stared in silence for a long while at the editor page of this site. I had not yet begun to feel well enough post-concussion to have the brain capacity to dedicate what was needed for regular writing or the other creative ventures I dreamed about when creating this site and yet, another year of fees was due anyways. I felt wistful and sad at wondering if the dollars were worth it, breathing through yet another wave of grief about how hitting my head hard one time had uprooted everything.

When I created this site, it was because I have dreams for community, dreams for justice, dreams of art & healing & whimsy shared with others. I didn't want to give up. Not yet. Still don't.

So I sat still for a while. I eventually resolved that the equivalent of one blog post a month would be worth the money I was spending, so I hit submit payment on everything due to keep exhalations alive for another year.

And here we are. Twelve blog posts later, about to submit another year of payment. There are a few things on my mind related to this:

1. For whatever reason, the post-concussion wins are garnering a lot of my attention lately. Started the other day when I noted increased capacity building regarding highway driving (6 hours in one day!!) which seemingly turned a flashlight on all the other post-brain injury wins, one of them being my newly cleaned carpets.

2. Daily life is mostly okay. Which is nothing short of a miracle. I no longer come home from work too wiped to function. For probably a year and a half, work got 95% of what I could offer in a day. This is an awful way to live. I'm glad it was temporary, and value so deeply having energy to live life outside of my 8-4.

3. Not only do I have energy when I come home from work most days, I am now enrolled in and working through a few personal and professional development courses all intended to support outcomes of creative ventures in the future. I need to learn all the time to feel content.

4. My recovery experienced a meaningful upturn last August when I switched up my diet. I now know that my brain loves avocado so I snuck it into as many smoothies as possible until I forgot one morning and then just didn't do it for months. ADHD at her finest. Back on again now. Food really does matter and impacts everything we do.

5. One of the first things I recognized immediately following my accident was my lack of access to any of my coping strategies, and as a person with C-PTSD, I had plenty. Those first days in bed were terrifying, and an opportunity to sit still with myself to suss out which strategies I wanted to bring back, and which I wanted to leave behind. Those first days also gave me great material to drag into therapy. I have since recognized that I have at least a touch of the agoraphobia so part of my self-care is lovingly acknowledging my fears exist and living a life much bigger than just my 8-4 and home anyways. A lot of yoga. A lot of prayer. A lot of staying away from coffee. The occasionally cannabis gummy.

6. I want to write more about religious trauma & addiction recovery. I'm nervous to show this stuff so vulnerably. I struggle with believing that my experiences and words matter. More sludge to bring into therapy, I suppose.

7. The details surrounding why will remain private, however, yesterday: I had a moment where I wanted to drink until I was no longer alive. I'm far enough in my recovery that I know these urges are temporary so I briskly took that burst of angry energy for a walk under the May sun while yelling about my anger in front of hopeful gardeners bustling around my neighborhood greenhouse. Was a whole thing. Can a person rage walk in her neighborhood privately? Not when you live by a greenhouse in May, apparently. Once my loathing calmed a bit, I took myself home to sit on my basement carpet in tears until the moment passed.

8. The moment passed. And then I got up to clean my carpets with my new hoover carpet cleaner.

9. Website wins from the past year:

   1. 12 blog posts

   2. a few poems from goosesong added to the poetry gallery

   3. a reading journey/book club created!

   4. a few connections made on social media sites ( slow, but growth!).

      1. I really want growth to be authentic which is hard with algorithms because everyone, including me, screams into the void, and now we also compete with AI.

Marry all of that with this:

For work the other day, I was at the local remand centre helping a few incarcerated people file their taxes and reflected again upon the divine appointment of being still. There are so many directions we could take when discussing incarceration but what I know for certain is that stillness can heal.

So, Be still and navigate those first bright days of sobriety

Be still and feel angry

Be still and grateful for simplicity Be still and feel your pain

Be still and grieve

Be still and find yourself

Be still and drink avocado smoothies

Be still and feel your pain again

Be still and dream

Be still and highway drive for 6 hours

Be still and set goals

Be still and courageous

Be still and be effervescent in your weirdness

Be still and file your taxes (catch up on bills, clean your carpets, etc.)

Be still and rebuild Be still and joyous

Be still and believe in your wholeness

Be still and go on those road trips you plan (your fear can sit in the back seat)

Be still and know Love goes with you (in the front seat)

Be still and know God.

My sweet friends, thank you for being here with me. Thank you for sticking with me in my inconsistency. Thank you for listening to the screaming I do into this particular void. I sure love you.

Submitting another year's worth of site fees, E