I am writing this post at the end of a day in which I was MISERABLE. I worked too hard this week, am grieving my past relationship significantly right now, and am generally overwhelmed. I feel called to write about some of it so here we go:
Neurodivergent mothering - I am a neurodivergent single momma raising two differently neurodivergent children. The bulk of parenting responsibilities, including all finances rests on (digs sharply into?) my shoulders. I work fulltime and am recovering from a brain injury. Each of us in my home have specific ways we like all of the things, and I do my best my meet everyone's needs, but I falter, a lot, and because I'm so braintired following the end of this hectic work week, my anxieties are ramped up and I am not so good at the shaking it off part of surviving parenting.
I carry a lot of frustration about neurodivergent mothering, but don't always know how to communicate it until it all erupts out like volcanic lava and ash. Like, I wish a bottle of shampoo didn't inspire a breakdown in my child (super sarcastic shout-out to a particular company for changing their branding); or that social interactions didn't require so much encouragement and planning; or that the idea of supporting my child with their transition into adulthood wasn't so paralyzingly terrifying.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
Breakup lessons - Shaking this person out of my psyche is annoyingly challenging. This is the first breakup I have walked through in adulthood that hasn't rerouted my life. I don't have kids with him, nor was I married to him, we didn't share a home and although we likely had a trauma bond, our breakup wasn't traumatic, so I - albeit irrationally- feel like adjusting should be easy breezy. No sadness required. While sunshine has sparkled in my soul recently, and gratitude dances around me for this recent change in my trajectory - God knows I prayed hard for this shift, I continue to also have moments of sorrow, uncertainty, loneliness, and anger. Turns out, no matter the circumstances, all breakups cause complicated pain. Matters of heart and spirit seem to always dance with paradox.
Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
I am choosing to remain hopeful. One day I will find my soul's true partner; a best friend; a supportive human to adventure through life with. He will be compassionate, intelligent, wise, love Jesus, have a kickass sense of humor, and he will be so hot, like the sun. I just know it. As I will be grateful for him, he will be grateful for me, and show his thankfulness through affection, romance, patience, and lightheartedness. Bring it on, Universe.
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:25
God bless the pasta - I forced myself upstairs to cook my favorite dish for supper, and then prayed "I am so miserable, please take this misery out of me", ate the pasta and now I feel slightly better. Good enough to write this, anyways. Following the pasta, I moved on to homemade apple crisp so I don't know when my current heartaches will be resolved or even how to walk through them, but I do know that Jesus and carbs help.
Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do. Ecclesiastes 9:7
Today was hard. I hated how I felt all day.
Perusing scripture to add verses to this post immensely lightened my misery.
The inspiration to write this evening was perhaps a gift of Holy Balm from Spirit.
For this I am immensely thankful.
God is Good, Praise Be,
E
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