The story of my life has two parts; Before Motherhood and Motherhood. (I hope an upcoming part is an erotic romance, but those details will be left with me). The beautiful human that gave me the title Mom is eighteen today which is also to say my motherhood act has entered adulthood. While practicing child’s pose this morning, I felt accomplished; a welcome feeling after a year (or rather, eighteen years) of worrying about how this would all turn out.
Much of my Becoming a Mother story is saturated in trauma. I have told it to many people along the way, and have finally arrived at wanting to let that go. I don’t need to drudge up painful details anymore in search of validation because I have learned to hold this space for myself, and am becoming acquainted with peace.
God Bless Good Therapists, Healing Trajectories, Friends That Teach Us To Love Ourselves, and Gratitude in Grief.
Re-narration of experiences that caused harm transforms guideposts of the past into lighthouses for the future. I am intending for light to shine on a secure relationship with a man that is kind to me, supports me, brings joy to my life, and lets me do the same for him. I will accept nothing less.
I did not become a mother intentionally. I knew I wanted to be a mother eventually one day, and that day came much sooner than I felt at the moment I was prepared for. I won’t spend much time here dissecting all that motherhood has been in my life, but I will be happy to share some of the gifts motherhood has blessed me with:
Unlearning - Immediately following my son’s birth, I flagged many traits of my humanity as needing to unlearn. My tenure as a mother has also been a tenure in trauma recovery.
Focus - my son was born a few weeks early following a series of massively traumatic experiences. I think God gave my son to me early because (S)He knew I needed someone to care for, to save my life. From that onward, I have worked so hard at bettering myself, and our circumstances so that my children have the care and support I didn't have.
Acceptance of self & where I’ve come from - at the time, walking through the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome diagnosis process as a birth mother was the clearest mirror I had looked in. I could choose shame or I could choose to acknowledge where I came from and spread forgiveness like sunshine.
Laughter & Joy - even on our worst days, we find the light. My son is particularly skilled at smiling his way through most experiences, regardless of how challenging. He is an example to me of the power of perspective in resilience.
Grief - Yes, this is a gift. Supporting a child through developmental challenges, chronic illness and brutal medical treatments continues to teach me about the relationship between God, Grace, & Grief. To be human is to love, and to love is to grieve, which is all to say Being Human is a Dance of Grief. I need God for the Grace to land each step.
Faith - over and over, life seems like it will all fall apart, or slip through my fingers, and each time, we are all taken care of. That we are still standing, and somewhat thriving (knock on wood) is a miracle to me, and certainly possible because of a Higher Power.
Deeper Testimony - in the last year or so, my child has become a faithful follower of Jesus. Witnessing how my son’s journey to Christ brings him hope & healing has been a renewal for me, and has drastically lessened the worry I have about his future, however uncertain it may be. My grandmother used to always say “Give it to God, hunny”, and I have learned that doing this with our children is easier if they are willing.
I am grateful.
For my boy For the learning and the healing For the existence in the palm of Divinity For the sacred responsibility of Motherhood.
Off I go to enjoy this day in celebration with my first love, the beautiful soul I am blessed to call my son,
E
Being Human is a Dance of Grief - sooo true, thanks for sharing this!!